PARENTING TIPS
for the Professional Mom!
(from us and some readers!):
It is very hard to take on the role of parenting. We would like to make that role a little easier and provide a small parenting resource and some parenting advice for you and your family. It is really hard to read all the parenting books. It is even harder to find time to make all those work in your daily life.
Take a moment to skim through some of the parenting advice we have tried and tested. Some are from our friends and some are from our mothers. Some are just from us. We think they will be helpful as you establish rules and order in your home. You might be surprised how that can free you up to love on your family instead of spending time trying to control them.
As we all try to become more "professional" in our parenting, you can't help but get some great parenting advice from folks who have done it before you. The thoughts below are great but feel free to make it work for your family. We are all different and that is okay. We hope this parenting advice enables you to find a system that works for your family in areas that are hard to address. Good Luck and remember that it is a profession you are in, even if some days you are in your PJ's!
The 4 D's of Discipline (by Laura):
If you were to ask my son what his "rules" are at home...his answer would be..."we only have four...
the four D's...
(1) Don't Disrespect others
(2) Don't Disobey authority
(3) Don't Disturb others
(4) Don't act Dangerously.
These four rules help take the "legalism" out of parenting and adds a dose of "grace" for the common confused parenting situations when it seems hard to decide how to respond.
Here is an example...At the age of two and a half, my son was blowing "spit bubbles" in the back seat of our car for about thirty incessent minutes. My first response was to tell him to quit and that blowing spit bubbles was gross and rude...as I turned around and saw his shirt soaked around the colar and the overjoyed smile on his drool covered face I began to question why I was going to thwart his joyous new discovery in the world of saliva. (little did I know that many more discoveries in this world were yet to come...yuck) So, as I turned to him something in me stopped and questioned my disapproval.
I considered what he was doing..it was not dangerous to him or me...there was no one else in the car for him to disturb, her was not disobeying any "spit bubble" rule, and his spitting was not directed at me out of anger or otherwise to be considered disrespectful..so I finally came to the conclusion that he was what he was...a little boy..playing with saliva..gross yes...but wrong...not at that moment in that situation..changes in those 4 d's could cause me to ask him to stop (like if someone were sitting next to him fearing a soaking) but in that moment I let him be...we arrived at my mom's house with a shirt that needed to be put in the dryer and maybe disenfected..but other than that we both survived the trip..to be honest he got quite bored with the gesture after about 15 miles...and moved on to animal noises...so I realized then..that i was going to let the "spit bubble" incident be a lesson to me...I was going to try to say Yes as much as possible...I would try to let him be a little boy..but within situational boundries...the four D's have helped me define those boundries.
I have used these four d's with so many areas of training..if you have questions about how something applies to them please ask me! It has been fun..because now my son is 5 and he knows them. I think he actually appreciates them and the sense they make to him at his young age.
Other Tips:
Thoughts on Mothering Boys (by two readers):
I feel like the boys need more from my husband. It's a natural progression and we need to let that happen. (Or so I've read from Dobson!) But what I've noticed with my oldest (4th grade) is that I get to have more opportunities for great discussions during homework time and while I'm making dinner. I think those times are priceless for me and will hopefully only sweeten as they get older. Like you said, I think a chapter is closing, but an even better one is upon us! This one is chock full of good conversation and sweet talks with our boys! I take every opportunity I have to talk about chivalry and brotherhood and protecting each other. They are probably thinking, "Will this woman please shut up and just stop using so many words!" Ha!
Thoughts on Sticking up for siblings (specifically for boys by a reader):
One friend of my oldest was being mean to my youngest. So, I used that opportunity to tell my 1st and 2nd child that their brothers are more important than ANY friend they will EVER have. I've even made them look at each other and said, "THESE are your best friends." They know that they are expected to take care of each other if someone is being a bully...even if it comes down to punches. After reading Wild at Heart I really jumped on that bandwagon. Now, it's never going to come to that b/c they aren't big and aggressive, but I want to foster that protection and responsibility and relationship of their brotherhood. They asked me, "What if we get in trouble by the principal?!" and I said, "If you tried to stop the bully with your words first and it didn't help, I will back you up 100%." We even role played. (Which was hilarious.) All three boys took a turn being the hero. It went kind of like this:
My boy: Hey! Leave my brother alone.
Bully: No!
My boy: I said, leave my brother alone.
Bully: Make me!
My boy: Ok. (lots of karate type punches and kicks)
Ha! They had fun, and I think it was fun for them to see that I think it's so important that they look out for one another, I'll take their side in the principal's office. (As long as they didn't start it.) Like I said, they'll never throw a punch (disclaimer: the youngest (3rd) isn't in the school yet) but the theory is there.
I also make them say "I love you" 3 times if they say hurtful things to each other. They have to look in each other's eyes the entire time, and they have to say it nicely. Like clockwork, by the third time their voice is kinder and they are usually smiling. I really want them to be comfortable saying those words to each other so they aren't adults who are wierded out by saying something so important to their own brother.
Dealing with Ugly Words by Camey:
I have another use for vinegar (Referring to Cleaning Vinegar Tips on our Favorite things page) ...put it in a small plastic travel spray bottle and spray it in your kids mouths for anything verbally ugly. (Name calling, sticking toungue out, biting, backtalk, etc.) Once I've witnessed them swallowing, they can brush their teeth...but if they spit it out, they get two more squirts.
Mimi's Dinner Table Rules (3 to 6 year olds):
Mimi ( Dana's mom ) decided to come up with some rules at the dinner table to help dinner at home be enjoyable for all!
(1) Sit Still!
Stay in your seat and do not get up unless given permission to do so. Do not let the kids get up and down and move around. Set the rule for all to sit still.
(2) Take a bit of every item on your plate.
They must take a bit at least to try it and they can not say "yuck" - they can say "I do not care for this" or something else of your choice.
(3) Do not mention desert until everyone is finished eating or you will not getting any.
You even should have them take one bite of everything in order to get the option for desert.
(4) When you finish, you may ask to be excused and take your plate to the sink.
(5) Use napkins and forks not fingers.
I add that I do not make them anything different. Have them eat what is on there plate or not eat, they must at least try. They will not starve!
A LOVEY (by Laura):
We wanted to make sure our kids could sleep anywhere and not have to have sleep aids like rocking, pacifiers or singing. So, in order to make sure you child feels safe and familiar with weird nap or "night-night" places give them a lovey! It is a sleep aid, but it does help with unfamiliar places and doesn't require you to "put them to sleep"
BUT - Manipulate it! Since Fisher and Sydney were born we gave them the lovey we wanted them to have - just lay it by them when they sleep and eventually they will take to it. Not only did we pick the lovey we wanted them to have - we bought three of them. That way when one is left somewhere or lost - it is not a big deal. You will not be going back in the middle of the night to get a lovey you left at someone's house. I have one for Mother's Day Out, one for home and one for the car to keep on hand if we decide to stay later than bed time at someone's house. GREAT INVESTMENT AND HAS PROVEN TO BE AN AWESOME IDEA!
RESTAURANTS (by Dana):
I have a restaurant bag. It stays in my car. I want to make sure that when we go out to eat, there is no lack of things to entertain. I want the folks we go with to not have to deal with a child being a distraction. I want also to be able to enjoy the meal myself. So, in our restaurant bag we have coloring books, a puzzle, some interactive type books and a few toys (sometimes play-dough). For the younger child, I would just pack a few toys to keep them entertained. The best kind is the one that sticks to the table and doesn't fall. A must have for the little ones I think.
The good thing about the restaurant bag is that these toys only come out when we go out to eat, so they seem new and help with allowing you to enjoy a good meal. If the meal is going to be long and more adult time than kid time, I pack a portable DVD player. I also try to teach our daughter to stay in her seat and speak softly. Remember the purpose, most of the time, is adult time. When you go to a kids' place, the purpose changes. It doesn't hurt to be prepared and you definitely want to be invited back out to eat. Give it a try!
RESPOND RATHER THAN REACT (by Laura and Dana):
Laura came up with this when Fisher was born and I adopted it too. So, I am writing this but she should receive the credit.
I love having things set in order. In disciplining a child it helps me to have things thought out so that I don't react to a situation and respond instead. Reacting is usually done out of anger or frustration, where responding takes advantage of the situation and turns it into a training or learning moment.
It is not hard - but you do have to be consistent and practice what you preach. The worst is when you hear parents yelling out of frustration some consequence that the child will get and then they never follow through. Do not let that be you. You will loose your child's respect and they will continue to test you to the point of frustration. Following through the first couple of times consistently will do more than you think. Then when the threat comes from you with a certain consequence, the child will assume you will carry through and obey rather than assume you will not.
Give yourself time. When Fisher or Sydney are doing something disobedient, disruptive, disrespectful or dangerous (4 D's listed above) then we say there is going to be a "consequence". Big word and my sister makes fun of me for using it, but it gives me a chance to think through an appropriate consequence before it comes out of my mouth and I have to follow through. Give yourself a chance to think and give an appropriate consequence for an inappropriate behavior. Our kids know exactly what "consequence" means and have since 1 1/2.
FITS (by Dana):
The main thing that I have learned in trying to raise my one child (which means I only have so much room to speak), is that the time period between 1 and 2 1/2 are so hard. Those are the times I really worked daily at getting a system and following through with it. I felt like we had consequences all the time and I said no all the time. But now that Sydney is 3, I know that was our training time and now she listens and knows what we expect. It is worth it - for me anyway - it was worth the struggle. Hang in there!
FITS: This one is so hard. Sydney started throwing fits at 1 (maybe even a little before hand). I could tell it was a fit - it was an angry cry and usually done when she didn't get something she wanted or something was not going the way she wanted. I would first hear a scream and then a cry and sometimes, most of the time, no tears. I do feel sorry for that age - they can not speak and are trying to communicate, but I am confident she understood way more than I thought she did.
So I decided to make a plan. You know me and plans. I read some books (Making Children Mind without Losing Yours & Temper Your Child's Tantrums) and came up with a plan that would help me.
The purpose of a fit is to change your mind, basically. I would try to tell Sydney over and over again during my steps that crying and screaming do not change mommy's mind.
Here are the steps I came up with to help Sydney deal with her Fits:
1. I would say NO FITS.
2. If she did not stop right away or look like she was trying to control herself, I would take her in another room, leave her there, and stand where she could not see me. Some times when there is no audience the fit stops. If the fit stopped, then I would catch her stopping and run in and say "Way to go Syd you stopped your fit. Remember no fits and that crying and screaming does not change mommy's mind." I would clap and encourage her (in a dramatic way) to show her she did a good job of controlling her fits.
3. If she cried longer than 3 minutes (fit crying), I would go in to the room she was crying in and give her a warning. "Sydney, if the fit does not stop then you get a consequence."
4. I would then give her a few more minutes to control her crying and if it didn't stop then I gave a consequence (usually a pop or a spanking with a spoon).
5. After I held her and talked with her after the spanking, I would take her back to the situation that started the fit and make sure she did not "win". For example, if she wanted to not sit in her chair to eat - we did the steps, went back to the chair and she sat there whether she ate or not. Do not let the fit and/or the consequence take away the main reason it all started in the first place. Teach them to mind you the first time.
So basically - I took her out of the room, put her by herself, gave her a warning, gave a consequence and then went back to the "problem area" and had her do what I asked in the first place.
If I was in the mall or the grocery store, we had to improvise a little. One time I took her to our car, turned it on, put her in it and waited for a few minutes outside the car. And then followed the steps.
The nice thing is that if you follow the steps and follow through a few times, then all it takes as they get older is "no fits!". Now I am dealing with pouting instead of fits. It is quieter which is nice but UGH - does it ever end? I don't think so, yet it is worth it.
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